Martha Stewart is a lying little bitch, and I have proof!!

That's it. Throw her in jail again. For her crimes against humanity...and my bedroom wall!

I admit, I used to be down with Martha. The past few weeks have found me paging through her magazine with friends, oohing and aahing over the lovely little delights that she schemes up, shows how to re-create, and then displays in stunning color all over Martha Stewart Living. I drooled when I saw her sticker collection. I thought "how handy!" when I saw her wedding page (for I am currently planning mine) and bookmarked the snot out of the decor section. I even thought, in a fit of self delusion, that I could do these things that Martha, dear Martha, has set in front of me.

And then I tried to do just that.

Fiance (R) and I are currently painting our new place, about to move in. The living room will be a sunny, custard yellow, the kitchen a light olive. But it was the bedroom that had me truly excited, for as we gazed at chip upon chip at Home Depot, hemming and hawing and biting our nails, I happened to lean down and spy the perfect color. It was a Martha Stewart Precious Metals chip, in a silvery blue. It was, without question, The Most Wonderful Hue On Earth. I snatched it up, and R responded with equal delight. We decided right then: we would choose this paint. We would paint with this paint. All of our friends would come over, see this color on the bedroom wall, and toss their hands up. "You win," they would cry. "You are clearly the superior paint-color-chooser. I will be forever depressed that I did not find this color first." At which point I would politely deny the awesome-ness of the color, and invite them back into the olive kitchen for sangria and homemade guacamole.

Fast forward to the paint counter, where R and I handed the paint mixer dude a small deck of paint chips. We patiently explained how much of each color we needed, and when we got to the Martha Stewart Precious Metals gem, he paused, inhaled, and said

"oooooooh".

But it wasn't the ooooh I was hoping for. It was more like "ooooh, there's a problem here". After asking, he explained that whatever color was underneath this paint would show up, no matter how many coats we put on. "Seriously," he continued, "You could spend like, a hundred dollars trying to cover one wall with six gallons of paint, and you'd still see the color beneath. This is just going to come out silver". Ok, we said, and picked out a blue to go underneath the color. He then continued to explain the finicky nature of this paint, and I went home with it all in my head, ready to conquer.

First, the endless taping and drop-clothing, because I spill and am a klutz (very un-Martha). Then, the painting of the blue, a nice slate color. Now the second blue coat. Now we wait at least four hours (but given my schedule this has all happened over about two weeks) before the Martha. Now we bust out the brush, the brush I spent 10 bucks on, because paint dude told me that Martha was a streaky bitch if you don't get a high quality brush, and we begin. Here comes the test patch in the corner of the room......

What. The. Hell.

Martha, you are lying to me. This is not a thin paint that shows the color below. This is a gaudy grey silver that is hell-bent on covering and destroying my pretty slate color. I see no blue beneath this. NONE. Wait a minute, where is that paint chip?


















Martha, this does not match. This is not even remotely close. This is terrible. Let's try a test patch somewhere else, like....my skin.



Oh, I can't see my skin anymore either. Look everyone, I'm the Tin Man. *sings to self* I'd be friends with the sparrows, and the boy who shoots the arrows if I only had a heeeaaaaaarrrrrt.....

Fiance immediately began suggesting alternative walls on which to use the metallic paint, all of which were too horrible to mention (Love you honey). The truth of the matter is, the color just plain sucks. And now for the damage:

Blue Paint: $40
"Precious" Metals paint: $40 (for one gallon)
Awesome but expensive paint brush: $10
Realizing that Martha Stewart is a terrible person who is tricking every woman in America for her own profit and amusement: Priceless.