My New Hat

It started with a leisurely trip to the Grove Farmer's Market. My parents are in town, so R and I thought we should take them to a place where they could see and be seen, eat strange foods and people-watch to their hearts' content. I had no idea they would plop this on my head:


and then have the nerve to joke that it looked good. After much eye-rolling, I lifted the hat off my head, only to have them put it back on me again. "It looks adorable," they said. Are you kidding me? I went to the mirror to inspect. Surprisingly, not bad. I told them I would think about it.


Over the next half hour, we shopped and ate our way through the farmer's market, and the hat kept getting brought up. Was I going to buy the hat? Why was I gone so long? I must have been over in that shop, buying the hat. Finally, I went in again, and perched it on my head. Another few glances in the mirror, an approving smile from the boyfriend, and I admitted defeat. My friend the debit card came out, and the hat was mine.


I carried my new hat through the Grove, until finally R looked at me and said "put it on already". In my opinion, this was quite a demand to make. I mean, we're talking about The Grove here. People come from all over to shop at this Disney-like fairyland of retail. Snooty women and their snooty dogs wander by in maxi dresses with purses worth more than I pay in rent. Men wear berets and dark sweaters, and sit with their ipods on shuffle while looking for ideas for the latest screenplay. People here have style. Clearly, I could not put my ginormous hat on and wander through this crowd of socialites. I could almost hear them whispering behind their hands now: "look how short she is! my god, the hat makes her look even shorter! who does she think she is in that hat?"


I scanned the crowd nervously. Suddenly, I realized my key mistake. I saw women wearing shorts that showed the bottoms of their rear ends. Teenagers snapped gum as they clopped by in their gladiator-like sandals. A women playing with her baby bent down, and the back of her dress dipped to reveal her 3-hooked bra to the world. As she righted herself, the bra stayed on display, and a wedgie appeared on the scene. My God. These people have no taste.

The hat went on.

I have now discovered that in order to pull off a hat so ridiculously big, I must give off an air of "I don't care what you think, bitches". It is a personality-altering hat. It is a "Hello dah-ling, how good of you to drop by" hat. It is a "who does she think she is in that hat" hat. I rather like it.

Everyone else in L.A. is a character. I guess it's time I tried on the costumes to see what part I'll play.